1
00:00:07,640 --> 00:00:10,599
What do you think?

2
00:00:10,600 --> 00:00:12,919
Well, go on, say it,

3
00:00:12,920 --> 00:00:16,920
"I'm glad you've got time on your
hands to waste, you silly old lady."

4
00:00:18,120 --> 00:00:21,079
It looks great, Mum.

5
00:00:21,080 --> 00:00:24,399
Well, I think
a real tree makes Christmas.

6
00:00:24,400 --> 00:00:26,199
Yeah.

7
00:00:26,200 --> 00:00:27,559
It's really nice.

8
00:00:27,560 --> 00:00:31,560
Aww.

9
00:00:38,600 --> 00:00:42,600
Aah!

10
00:00:43,520 --> 00:00:45,679
Daniel!

11
00:00:45,680 --> 00:00:49,680
Daniel! What have you done?!

12
00:00:52,705 --> 00:01:16,885
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.

13
00:01:19,640 --> 00:01:22,319
Oh, Santa's been early.

14
00:01:22,320 --> 00:01:25,719
Are you joking? They've been
bringing this shit in since October.

15
00:01:25,720 --> 00:01:28,359
It's sweet they buy you
presents, Dan.

16
00:01:28,360 --> 00:01:31,199
Oh, really? Look at this,
from Dennis!

17
00:01:31,200 --> 00:01:34,439
I've told the little fuckers,
club together, buy me some booze.

18
00:01:34,440 --> 00:01:36,599
Ooh, look though -
you can relax later with some

19
00:01:36,600 --> 00:01:38,639
Lovely Mountain Bubble Bath.

20
00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:41,479
Yes, thank you. I've got four bottles
of this Pound Shop shit at home,

21
00:01:41,480 --> 00:01:43,439
it burns your flesh, Emma, it burns.

22
00:01:43,440 --> 00:01:44,479
You could do with a wash,

23
00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:46,159
you appear to be
covered in pine needles.

24
00:01:46,160 --> 00:01:47,639
What? Oh, f...

25
00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:49,719
It's the
"twelve scares of Christmas".

26
00:01:49,720 --> 00:01:53,720
The twelve... My dad's tedious
tradition. just leave it.

27
00:01:57,120 --> 00:01:58,639
Here you go.

28
00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:00,199
One day you'll realise just how

29
00:02:00,200 --> 00:02:04,200
lucky you are. Scrooge.

30
00:02:14,600 --> 00:02:16,639
Have you tried the Toy Depot, Brian?

31
00:02:16,640 --> 00:02:18,839
I've tried every bloody shop
in a 20-mile radius.

32
00:02:18,840 --> 00:02:22,199
Julia's not going to forgive me
if I can't find these things. The girls are obsessed.

33
00:02:22,200 --> 00:02:23,919
Who are The Freaky Farm Folk anyway?

34
00:02:23,920 --> 00:02:26,599
A collection of toy animals
with glow-in-the-dark hooves

35
00:02:26,600 --> 00:02:29,599
that can communicate
telepathically.

36
00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:33,119
Bizarre idea! Probably dreamt
up in some non-member state.

37
00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:35,759
All the convenience of Europe,
none of the restrictions.

38
00:02:35,760 --> 00:02:37,599
You've forgotten what
it's like to be a kid.

39
00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:39,319
What was your best ever present?

40
00:02:39,320 --> 00:02:42,039
There was one year
when the girls had mumps.

41
00:02:42,040 --> 00:02:45,479
I was allowed to watch
the Queen's Speech.

42
00:02:45,480 --> 00:02:49,239
Tell me what you make of that.

43
00:02:49,240 --> 00:02:51,239
Aah, Shakira.

44
00:02:51,240 --> 00:02:54,799
I shall have a chocolate milkshake
and The Eggsmass Special.

45
00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:56,239
Very funny by the way.

46
00:02:56,240 --> 00:03:00,240
Get fucked.

47
00:03:01,720 --> 00:03:04,199
She totally... likes you. Right.

48
00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:05,519
Oh, hold your horses.

49
00:03:05,520 --> 00:03:08,679
"To my favourite troublesome
teacher." Super flirty.

50
00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:10,679
Or damning with
the faintest of praise,

51
00:03:10,680 --> 00:03:12,399
depending on which way
you look at it.

52
00:03:12,400 --> 00:03:14,479
"All my love". "ALL my love".

53
00:03:14,480 --> 00:03:16,879
Exactly. It's a figure of speech!
You should ask her out.

54
00:03:16,880 --> 00:03:19,479
Shall I bring her down here?
Tomorrow lunchtime.

55
00:03:19,480 --> 00:03:22,119
No, no, go posh. Go Nando's.

56
00:03:22,120 --> 00:03:23,479
I fucking love chicken.

57
00:03:23,480 --> 00:03:24,959
Mm, nice chicken dinner!

58
00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:27,759
Or, over a period of years you could
convince her that you

59
00:03:27,760 --> 00:03:31,279
care about your job.
You're motivated, thoughtful.

60
00:03:31,280 --> 00:03:34,279
The last time I saw you speaking
to her, you asked her to go into

61
00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:36,639
a boiler room to go
halves on a bastard!

62
00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:39,079
Yeah, I was flirting.
There's no quick fix, Dan.

63
00:03:39,080 --> 00:03:42,039
Yes, there is.
I know what I'm gonna do.

64
00:03:42,040 --> 00:03:43,039
What?

65
00:03:43,040 --> 00:03:46,599
The thing that I have successfully
avoided for my whole career.

66
00:03:46,600 --> 00:03:50,600
But I'll do one and she will be
enchanted and she shall be mine!

67
00:03:54,240 --> 00:03:56,599
I'm gonna do a school play.

68
00:03:56,600 --> 00:03:57,639
Yay!

69
00:03:57,640 --> 00:04:00,039
I'll get my eggs to
celebrate my genius.

70
00:04:00,040 --> 00:04:01,759
I'm gonna be in Dan's school play.

71
00:04:01,760 --> 00:04:03,599
You should do all the nerdy
tech stuff.

72
00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:05,919
I'm not getting involved.

73
00:04:05,920 --> 00:04:08,279
Are those er, my eggs, Shakira?

74
00:04:08,280 --> 00:04:10,239
Aargh!

75
00:04:10,240 --> 00:04:14,240
Argh! No!

76
00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:27,360
I love the twelve
scares of Christmas.

77
00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:30,599
Can't we just do a space
mission, sir?

78
00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:32,159
Yeah!

79
00:04:32,160 --> 00:04:34,879
Dennis, being in a school
production will be very

80
00:04:34,880 --> 00:04:36,119
good for your character.

81
00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:38,639
You're just trying to impress Miss
Lipsey. Shut it!

82
00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:40,039
Everyone's guessed.

83
00:04:40,040 --> 00:04:41,679
Do people get killed in it, sir?

84
00:04:41,680 --> 00:04:42,879
No! There's no killing.

85
00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:44,319
It sounds rubbish!

86
00:04:44,320 --> 00:04:48,320
It's not rubbish, you'll like
it because, ooh, it's set in space!

87
00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:53,480
Scrooge In Space? Bit random, sir.
Can't we do Bugsy Malone?

88
00:04:53,640 --> 00:04:55,479
Cos that's not random, is it?

89
00:04:55,480 --> 00:04:57,599
Loads of kids getting
killed by custard. Wake up!

90
00:04:57,600 --> 00:04:59,839
This Scrooge bloke
sounds like a paedo.

91
00:04:59,840 --> 00:05:03,239
He's not! Right, so, parts.

92
00:05:03,240 --> 00:05:04,559
Sir. Huh, Maurice?

93
00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:06,439
I had a go on a paedo once.

94
00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:07,599
What?!

95
00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:09,919
When we went to Bournemouth. Maurice!

96
00:05:09,920 --> 00:05:12,479
We had to give the man
an extra ?5 cos

97
00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:16,319
we were late coming back in,
the tide had gone out.

98
00:05:16,320 --> 00:05:19,759
OK, that would have been a pedalo,
Maurice. Right, parts.

99
00:05:19,760 --> 00:05:23,279
Dennis? Emperor Scrooge.
Maurice, you can be Xob Scratchett.

100
00:05:23,280 --> 00:05:25,479
Obviously, Maureen,
you'll be the Narrator.

101
00:05:25,480 --> 00:05:28,479
What's a paedo then?
It doesn't matter what a paedo is!

102
00:05:28,480 --> 00:05:31,479
It definitely matters. I'm trying
to crack on with play here.

103
00:05:31,480 --> 00:05:33,839
But sir, if I might be so bold,
who will arrange the music?

104
00:05:33,840 --> 00:05:35,439
What music?

105
00:05:35,440 --> 00:05:39,440
Surely you've ascertained by now,
Scrooge 3000 is a musical.

106
00:05:40,360 --> 00:05:41,400
Oh, shit!

107
00:05:45,680 --> 00:05:47,239
Mr Field-Williams.

108
00:05:47,240 --> 00:05:48,280
A moment, please.

109
00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:56,279
Lovely, my dear, just lovely.

110
00:05:56,280 --> 00:05:59,519
And such a lightness of touch,
don't you think, Mr Davies?

111
00:05:59,520 --> 00:06:02,959
Oh yes! It's like Wagner
was reborn as a child.

112
00:06:02,960 --> 00:06:06,960
Praise indeed.
Now, how can I help you?

113
00:06:07,880 --> 00:06:09,799
I'm doing a school production.

114
00:06:09,800 --> 00:06:12,199
I was hoping you'd take
care of the music for me.

115
00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:13,879
Oh, dear.

116
00:06:13,880 --> 00:06:17,879
That sounds a little bit too hectic
for me these days, I fear.

117
00:06:17,880 --> 00:06:21,399
I see, let me re-phrase it.

118
00:06:21,400 --> 00:06:22,919
Please help me,

119
00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:24,799
my life is dreadful,

120
00:06:24,800 --> 00:06:25,879
I beg you.

121
00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:27,199
Goodness me!

122
00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:29,399
Well, in that case,

123
00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:33,400
I'll just pop in to the office
and er, look at my diary.

124
00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:36,839
What are you doing here,
Bride of Chucky?

125
00:06:36,840 --> 00:06:38,479
You're supposed to be in my lesson.

126
00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:42,479
Not anymore, you loser. I'm getting
real lessons from an actual teacher.

127
00:06:42,480 --> 00:06:44,999
Good. You'll miss out on being
in the school play.

128
00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:49,000
Scrooge 3000?
It's going to be awful.

129
00:06:49,040 --> 00:06:50,559
Yeah, awful like your life.

130
00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:53,119
You're a cat lady waiting to happen.

131
00:06:53,120 --> 00:06:56,039
"Hello, I'm Mr Davies,
I live with my mum and my dad

132
00:06:56,040 --> 00:06:57,879
"and I'm about 50."

133
00:06:57,880 --> 00:07:01,880
You little rat.

134
00:07:05,040 --> 00:07:07,519
Frank?

135
00:07:07,520 --> 00:07:08,719
Oh, hello, hello, er,

136
00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:12,720
sorry, dear boy, I, huh...
I nodded off.

137
00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:18,039
Is that you, Frank?

138
00:07:18,040 --> 00:07:21,879
Uh, ah... yes. Berlin, 1956.

139
00:07:21,880 --> 00:07:24,559
Heady days with the Philharmonic.

140
00:07:24,560 --> 00:07:28,560
If I remember, that night ended with
me dancing naked in the fountain.

141
00:07:29,120 --> 00:07:31,479
Oh, my God! Oliver Reed!

142
00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:35,399
Yes. Oh, that was a session.

143
00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:38,159
I managed to kick the booze
before darling Ollie.

144
00:07:38,160 --> 00:07:40,719
There but for the grace of God. Hm.

145
00:07:40,720 --> 00:07:43,119
Yeah. So, what do you say, Frank?

146
00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:47,120
Fancy reliving the glory days
with a bit of Scrooge 3000?

147
00:07:47,760 --> 00:07:51,119
Ah, now I've er, checked the diary...

148
00:07:51,120 --> 00:07:55,120
And you're in luck.
I've nothing on for one year.

149
00:07:55,440 --> 00:07:56,639
Aah, wonderful!

150
00:07:56,640 --> 00:07:57,846
Oh, no.

151
00:08:00,426 --> 00:08:02,326
Who's Emma? Just a friend.

152
00:08:02,365 --> 00:08:04,844
I'm just doing my Christmas cards.
On the computer?

153
00:08:04,845 --> 00:08:08,084
Yes! No post office, no stamps!

154
00:08:08,085 --> 00:08:11,004
Pow! That's blown her little old lady
mind, hasn't it?

155
00:08:11,005 --> 00:08:14,364
A lady friend! Oh, I am pleased.

156
00:08:14,365 --> 00:08:18,365
Your dad and I were worried, you know,
the first Christmas without Naomi and..

157
00:08:18,565 --> 00:08:20,884
God, I'd forgotten
about him. Where is he?

158
00:08:20,885 --> 00:08:24,885
Oh, he's putting a box of mince pies in
the car, for you to take in for the staff.

159
00:08:25,965 --> 00:08:28,884
Bastard! What have you
done to my car, you monster?

160
00:08:28,885 --> 00:08:30,764
Nothing, Daniel!

161
00:08:30,765 --> 00:08:34,765
I thought it needed a bit of a clean.
It was covered with pine needles.

162
00:08:35,605 --> 00:08:37,924
What is it?

163
00:08:37,925 --> 00:08:41,925
Mousetrap on the clutch, is it?
Very clever, old man.

164
00:08:45,645 --> 00:08:48,564
I wonder if he should be doing
this school play.

165
00:08:48,565 --> 00:08:51,364
It's making him very paranoid.

166
00:08:51,365 --> 00:08:55,365
Yes, yes. Silly lad.

167
00:08:56,365 --> 00:09:00,365
Darling... who's Emma?

168
00:09:36,285 --> 00:09:40,285
Aargh!

169
00:09:40,325 --> 00:09:42,925
Aargh...

170
00:09:44,325 --> 00:09:48,325
Aargh!

171
00:09:49,965 --> 00:09:53,965
Aagh!

172
00:10:00,445 --> 00:10:03,244
Sir,
is this the entire production team?

173
00:10:03,245 --> 00:10:05,884
I'm a little concerned
about Mr Field-Williams.

174
00:10:05,885 --> 00:10:08,124
He smells like my hamster's cage.

175
00:10:08,125 --> 00:10:11,444
Recognise... Oh, God.

176
00:10:11,445 --> 00:10:13,484
You all right? What's that?

177
00:10:13,485 --> 00:10:17,284
It's a seagull bite.
What are you wearing?

178
00:10:17,285 --> 00:10:20,764
I got them all. The deer,
the mole and the owl.

179
00:10:20,765 --> 00:10:23,004
Now, where's my tech crew?

180
00:10:23,005 --> 00:10:27,005
Alan.

181
00:10:27,925 --> 00:10:30,484
Are you a... pedalo?

182
00:10:30,485 --> 00:10:34,485
 He's a futuristic miser
and his heart is black as coal

183
00:10:35,285 --> 00:10:39,285
 Commiseration fossil fuel
used many years ago

184
00:10:40,245 --> 00:10:42,844
 He says he'll dock
my plasma pay

185
00:10:42,845 --> 00:10:45,244
If I don't work on Christmas Day

186
00:10:45,245 --> 00:10:49,245
 O-oh Scrooge is the meanest
of them all, of them all

187
00:10:50,005 --> 00:10:53,284
 Emperor Scrooge
is the meanest of them all

188
00:10:53,285 --> 00:10:54,644
Fire lasers!

189
00:10:54,645 --> 00:10:57,644
Oh... Not bad!

190
00:10:57,645 --> 00:11:01,444
Not bad. I mean - needs some work,
but we've got two weeks.

191
00:11:01,445 --> 00:11:05,445
How hard can this be?

192
00:11:07,925 --> 00:11:11,925
A-ha, Xob Scratchett! I won't buy
you and your family a futuristic goose.

193
00:11:13,045 --> 00:11:16,084
Sir, he's smiling again and he keeps
mouthing my lines!

194
00:11:16,085 --> 00:11:18,564
Sir, I wasn't. Just carry on.

195
00:11:18,565 --> 00:11:21,764
Goose song. Goose song!

196
00:11:21,765 --> 00:11:24,484
 Look at the tasty futuristic geese

197
00:11:24,485 --> 00:11:27,924

 You can't afford
a goose to eat... 
198
00:11:27,925 --> 00:11:31,324
Shake those arses, girls!
Really grind it.

199
00:11:31,325 --> 00:11:32,684

 ..You can't afford a goose... 
200
00:11:32,685 --> 00:11:36,685
It's no use, Dan.
I'm going to have to lead them.

201
00:11:37,325 --> 00:11:40,884

 ..You can't afford
a goose to eat... 
202
00:11:40,885 --> 00:11:44,164
Oh...  Look at the tasty
futuristic geese

203
00:11:44,165 --> 00:11:47,244

 You can't afford
a goose to eat...
204
00:11:47,245 --> 00:11:49,404
Right - stop, stop!

205
00:11:49,405 --> 00:11:53,405
Stop, get the geese off.

206
00:11:54,725 --> 00:11:57,684
No, Alan, not now.

207
00:11:57,685 --> 00:11:59,124
I'm well sad we're so poor.

208
00:11:59,125 --> 00:12:02,524
Maurice! You're still smiling.

209
00:12:02,525 --> 00:12:06,525
No, Alan - not now!

210
00:12:06,885 --> 00:12:09,524
Oi! Stop! What's that?

211
00:12:09,525 --> 00:12:10,884
He's got bionic legs.

212
00:12:10,885 --> 00:12:13,884
Yeah. He's not a fucking Nazi
though, is he?

213
00:12:13,885 --> 00:12:15,684
Maurice! You're still smiling!

214
00:12:15,685 --> 00:12:18,244
Oof! Not smiling now, is he, sir?

215
00:12:18,245 --> 00:12:20,124
Oh...

216
00:12:20,125 --> 00:12:21,804
Alan! No!

217
00:12:21,805 --> 00:12:25,484
Dan - these girls really need me to lead
them. They're just not qualified.

218
00:12:25,485 --> 00:12:26,804
Oh, Christ!

219
00:12:26,805 --> 00:12:30,805
What is wrong with you all?
It's a bloody shambles!

220
00:12:31,165 --> 00:12:35,165
We are performing this tonight.
Do you understand? Tonight!

221
00:12:35,645 --> 00:12:37,764
Look at my nose!

222
00:12:37,765 --> 00:12:41,765
Look at my fucking nose!

223
00:12:43,085 --> 00:12:47,085
Pick that goose up.

224
00:12:48,045 --> 00:12:49,164
Hey, Frank.

225
00:12:49,165 --> 00:12:52,084
Gifts?
The kids got me loads of stuff.

226
00:12:52,085 --> 00:12:55,204
Lovely Mountain bath foam,
toffee whisky,

227
00:12:55,205 --> 00:12:57,404
loads of chocolates.

228
00:12:57,405 --> 00:13:01,405
Do you want one? Why not?

229
00:13:04,005 --> 00:13:07,084
That's weird. I didn't
know Taboo DID liqueurs.

230
00:13:07,085 --> 00:13:11,085
Jo, come here!

231
00:13:17,885 --> 00:13:19,364
Your nose looks sore.

232
00:13:19,365 --> 00:13:22,524
I think it's infected.

233
00:13:22,525 --> 00:13:26,525
I'm not sleeping,
my... my immunity's right down.

234
00:13:26,885 --> 00:13:29,524
And then I'm coming in
to this... piss parade.

235
00:13:29,525 --> 00:13:32,724
It's coming together. It's fucked!

236
00:13:32,725 --> 00:13:36,725
If Emma sees this,
that'll be the end of it.

237
00:13:36,845 --> 00:13:40,564
We got the snow machine, sir!
Oh, my God...

238
00:13:40,565 --> 00:13:42,964
Seems like Nobby came up
with the goods.

239
00:13:42,965 --> 00:13:46,164
Jesus Christ, where did
he get it? Stalingrad?

240
00:13:46,165 --> 00:13:48,364
Something tells me
we should not use this.

241
00:13:48,365 --> 00:13:51,044
I think this'll make things worse.
What? Shut up, Dan!

242
00:13:51,045 --> 00:13:55,045
It's a Christmas play,
you got to have a snow machine. Fire it up, Dennis!

243
00:14:01,525 --> 00:14:05,525
Well... It would appear
my instincts were correct.

244
00:14:05,805 --> 00:14:07,685
Aaaagh...

245
00:14:10,725 --> 00:14:14,644
Frank? Who wrote this shit?!

246
00:14:14,645 --> 00:14:17,084
Scrooge In Space

247
00:14:17,085 --> 00:14:18,404
Are you all right, Frank?

248
00:14:18,405 --> 00:14:22,405
I played
in the fucking Berlin Philharmonic,

249
00:14:23,525 --> 00:14:25,684
you pricks!

250
00:14:25,685 --> 00:14:28,724
Mr Field-Williams, could
I ask you to wait outside, please?

251
00:14:28,725 --> 00:14:32,044
Shut it! Rrrrrr-Rudolph.

252
00:14:32,045 --> 00:14:34,244
It's a seagull bite!

253
00:14:34,245 --> 00:14:37,765
W-What sort of queer gets
bitten by a seagull?!

254
00:14:40,165 --> 00:14:43,964
Guys... I think Frank might
be allergic to chocolate.

255
00:14:43,965 --> 00:14:47,364
Be quiet! Right, think, think, think.

256
00:14:47,365 --> 00:14:49,844
Brian - please go and get him
some coffee, sober him up.

257
00:14:49,845 --> 00:14:50,964
I think we'll be OK.

258
00:14:50,965 --> 00:14:54,044
As long as Emma doesn't see any
of this I think we'll be all right.

259
00:14:54,045 --> 00:14:57,724
If we can just bring him round...
this is saveable, right? Yeah.

260
00:14:57,725 --> 00:15:01,644
Dan! He's hot-wired the Scenic.
What?

261
00:15:01,645 --> 00:15:05,645
The Freaky Farm Folk are in the
boot! If we hurry we might catch him.

262
00:15:10,965 --> 00:15:13,764
See? You ridiculed me for having
a tracker fitted to the Scenic -

263
00:15:13,765 --> 00:15:15,484
not so silly now, is it?

264
00:15:15,485 --> 00:15:17,684
Now is not the time for
your smuggery. Where is he?

265
00:15:17,685 --> 00:15:21,204
According to the GPS, he's at
The Rose and Crown on Wimpole.

266
00:15:21,205 --> 00:15:24,284
Worst case scenario -
I'll dance a cappella.

267
00:15:24,285 --> 00:15:26,164
My moves don't need tunes.

268
00:15:26,165 --> 00:15:27,684
Shut up, Jo!

269
00:15:27,685 --> 00:15:30,484
Did you do that side of the bar?
It's not my job, I'm not doing it...

270
00:15:30,485 --> 00:15:33,684
If you want a drink, you'll
have to go somewhere else. We've closed early.

271
00:15:33,685 --> 00:15:36,164
We're looking for an old man,
smells like a hamster cage.

272
00:15:36,165 --> 00:15:38,364
He just left, the disgusting
old bastard!

273
00:15:38,365 --> 00:15:39,804
I'll thank you to calm down.

274
00:15:39,805 --> 00:15:42,324
Did he mention toys -
or a nicely maintained Scenic?

275
00:15:42,325 --> 00:15:46,325
He had a weird bag of animals, he
kept trying to swap them for drink. He's found them!

276
00:15:46,565 --> 00:15:49,644
Never mind that. Did he look like
he was up to playing the piano?

277
00:15:49,645 --> 00:15:53,765
He didn't look up to anything. He
lost it when I caught him trying to drink beer straight fromthe taps...

278
00:15:54,245 --> 00:15:57,964
Paul, I'm telling you,
I'm not cleaning that up.

279
00:15:57,965 --> 00:16:01,684
Ohh... Oh, God.
Yeah, that's human.

280
00:16:01,685 --> 00:16:05,324
He must be more allergic
than we thought.

281
00:16:05,325 --> 00:16:08,044
I'm sorry about that. Do you know
where he may have gone?

282
00:16:08,045 --> 00:16:10,524
For food, I would have thought.

283
00:16:10,525 --> 00:16:14,525
Yeah, he's going to be peckish.

284
00:16:14,845 --> 00:16:18,845
Right. So where does a man with
no money go for food?

285
00:16:25,245 --> 00:16:28,524
Yes. He has been here.
He drunk far more than his fair

286
00:16:28,525 --> 00:16:31,964
share of soup, then attempted
to sell me a toy deer.

287
00:16:31,965 --> 00:16:34,244
Bastard! Sorry, vicar.
He's out of control!

288
00:16:34,245 --> 00:16:36,884
That's not the worst of it,
I'm afraid.

289
00:16:36,885 --> 00:16:40,884
When I declined,
he took out his frustrations on one of our pastoral paintings.

290
00:16:40,885 --> 00:16:43,924
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh - it's all about
you, isn't it? Where is he?

291
00:16:43,925 --> 00:16:47,084
He said he was going to have it
with a hooker three times wrong.

292
00:16:47,085 --> 00:16:49,644
Stanley, please!
Sorry, vicar.

293
00:16:49,645 --> 00:16:52,684
He said he was going to have it
with a hooker three times wrong.

294
00:16:52,685 --> 00:16:56,164
Right, there's only one place in town
he can get that. Sapphire's Sauna.

295
00:16:56,165 --> 00:16:57,964
Guys? This cow's got a big old dick.

296
00:16:57,965 --> 00:16:59,724
Thanks for your help, Reverend.

297
00:16:59,725 --> 00:17:03,725
I'm sorry. I cannot permit you to leave
until this painting has been cleaned.

298
00:17:04,045 --> 00:17:08,004
With respect - we're in a rush.
I haven't got time to wash a cock and balls off a cow.

299
00:17:08,005 --> 00:17:10,884
I'm afraid I cannot permit you
to leave until this is settled.

300
00:17:10,885 --> 00:17:14,885
Oh, God... Stand aside, vicar.
I shall not.

301
00:17:15,965 --> 00:17:17,244
Brian...?

302
00:17:17,245 --> 00:17:20,484
Reverend... we have a play to
put on,

303
00:17:20,485 --> 00:17:24,485
and that man has stolen
my Renault Scenic and this year's must-have toys. Move!

304
00:17:26,325 --> 00:17:27,364
No!

305
00:17:27,365 --> 00:17:29,324
Brian?

306
00:17:29,325 --> 00:17:31,644
Right...!

307
00:17:31,645 --> 00:17:35,645
Brian, what are you doing?
She's winning!

308
00:17:36,165 --> 00:17:37,724
Smack her in the windpipe, Brian.

309
00:17:37,725 --> 00:17:40,205
Oh, my God, she's...
She's going for a Tyson!

310
00:17:42,285 --> 00:17:44,245
Go!

311
00:17:49,245 --> 00:17:52,804
I'm sorry, vicar. You backed us
into a corner, like rats.

312
00:17:52,805 --> 00:17:54,324
He had no choice but to take you out.

313
00:17:54,325 --> 00:17:57,484
Come on, Dan!

314
00:17:57,485 --> 00:18:01,485
In case you're wondering,
this is a seagull bite. Dan!

315
00:18:01,885 --> 00:18:05,885
Why would a drunk man
want a massage?

316
00:18:10,845 --> 00:18:14,845
That is a weird place.
There's no actual sauna, and the woman offered me a job.

317
00:18:15,125 --> 00:18:18,084
Massage is one of the few things
I'm not actually qualified for...

318
00:18:18,085 --> 00:18:20,204
Jo! Has he been there?

319
00:18:20,205 --> 00:18:23,924
Yeah, sounds like he had a great time. Your
car's fine, Brian, it's round the corner.

320
00:18:23,925 --> 00:18:26,044
Good old Frank!

321
00:18:26,045 --> 00:18:28,284
Yeah, woman said
he had a lovely massage.

322
00:18:28,285 --> 00:18:29,684
How did he pay for a massage?

323
00:18:29,685 --> 00:18:31,884
He swapped a massage... for an owl.

324
00:18:31,885 --> 00:18:34,084
Motherfucker!

325
00:18:34,085 --> 00:18:35,324
Where is he now?

326
00:18:35,325 --> 00:18:39,325
Hospital, he got overexcited.
Hospital...? Shit!

327
00:18:43,045 --> 00:18:46,364
I'm sorry, my dears.

328
00:18:46,365 --> 00:18:50,365
I've been such a nuisance.
Please excuse me.

329
00:18:50,805 --> 00:18:52,684
Never mind, Frank.

330
00:18:52,685 --> 00:18:56,004
20 years I've been off the booze -

331
00:18:56,005 --> 00:19:00,005
and I got a bit carried away.

332
00:19:01,125 --> 00:19:03,364
I think this is yours.

333
00:19:03,365 --> 00:19:04,924
You keep it, Frank.

334
00:19:04,925 --> 00:19:06,284
Ha.

335
00:19:06,285 --> 00:19:10,285
Today... was the most defouled,

336
00:19:11,205 --> 00:19:15,205
debauched and hedonistic day
I've had in years.

337
00:19:16,085 --> 00:19:19,204
It was marvellous!

338
00:19:19,205 --> 00:19:23,205
There is just one thing
I can't believe.

339
00:19:26,125 --> 00:19:30,125
I can't believe I...

340
00:19:30,925 --> 00:19:34,804
I can't believe I... Frank - what
is it, what are you trying to say?

341
00:19:34,805 --> 00:19:37,404
I can't believe I...

342
00:19:37,405 --> 00:19:39,845
I did a shit behind the bar.

343
00:19:55,245 --> 00:19:57,524
Oh, great.

344
00:19:57,525 --> 00:20:01,525
Happy fucking Christmas!

345
00:20:05,405 --> 00:20:07,884
Are you sure we can't do it?

346
00:20:07,885 --> 00:20:11,885
It's a musical Jo. Our piano player
is dead. So, no.

347
00:20:13,365 --> 00:20:17,365
Well, I'll go and tell the
robot Christmas geese then.

348
00:20:20,565 --> 00:20:24,565
Never mind, Dan. You tried.

349
00:20:25,085 --> 00:20:29,085
I'll go and speak to Alan. Yeah.

350
00:20:36,245 --> 00:20:40,164
What's this I hear, you're
giving up? Your mother and I were looking forward to the play.

351
00:20:40,165 --> 00:20:42,124
What the hell can I do?

352
00:20:42,125 --> 00:20:44,204
Daniel, life isn't easy.

353
00:20:44,205 --> 00:20:47,124
Give me the musical score. What?!

354
00:20:47,125 --> 00:20:51,125
Give me the music.

355
00:20:54,765 --> 00:20:56,564
Easy. Let's go.

356
00:20:56,565 --> 00:21:00,565
But... Don't question it.
I'm doing it for Mr Field-Williams.

357
00:21:00,645 --> 00:21:04,645
You can be my page turner.

358
00:21:09,765 --> 00:21:12,724
Get all your foil back on.
It's happening!

359
00:21:12,725 --> 00:21:16,725
Yeah!

360
00:21:17,085 --> 00:21:19,644
 Ding dong! merrily on high

361
00:21:19,645 --> 00:21:23,004
 In heav'n the bells are ringing

362
00:21:23,005 --> 00:21:25,364
 Ding dong! verily the sky

363
00:21:25,365 --> 00:21:28,524
 Is riv'n with angel singing

364
00:21:28,525 --> 00:21:32,525
 Gloria

365
00:21:36,805 --> 00:21:40,124
 Hosanna in excelsis!

366
00:21:40,125 --> 00:21:44,125
 Gloria

367
00:21:48,565 --> 00:21:50,084

 Hosanna in excelsis! 
368
00:21:50,085 --> 00:21:51,204
And go Maureen.

369
00:21:51,205 --> 00:21:53,445
Happy futuristic Christmas,
everyone.

370
00:22:07,405 --> 00:22:10,444
That way. That way.

371
00:22:10,445 --> 00:22:13,644
That...

372
00:22:13,645 --> 00:22:16,964
was...

373
00:22:16,965 --> 00:22:18,204
really good.

374
00:22:18,205 --> 00:22:21,124
It was messy, but it was all right.

375
00:22:21,125 --> 00:22:22,764
I think Frank would have liked it.

376
00:22:22,765 --> 00:22:24,844
Yeah. He would.

377
00:22:24,845 --> 00:22:28,845
Thanks for my Moonpig card,
by the way. What?

378
00:22:33,285 --> 00:22:35,164
Fucker!

379
00:22:35,165 --> 00:22:36,364
After everything I've...

380
00:22:36,365 --> 00:22:40,365
Don't worry, I guessed it was
one of your dad's scares. Aah.

381
00:22:42,125 --> 00:22:44,844
You do like the kids, don't you?

382
00:22:44,845 --> 00:22:47,284
Admit it!

383
00:22:47,285 --> 00:22:51,285
You are a strangely likeable idiot,
Dan Davies.

384
00:22:52,525 --> 00:22:54,004
Am I?

385
00:22:54,005 --> 00:22:56,924
Let's go for a drink, then.
I know a pub that's...

386
00:22:56,925 --> 00:22:59,084
Yep, I can pretty much guarantee
it's empty.

387
00:22:59,085 --> 00:23:03,085
Maybe another time.
But Happy Christmas, eh?

388
00:23:03,525 --> 00:23:07,525
Happy Christmas.

389
00:23:15,205 --> 00:23:17,244
Alan, for fuck's sake!

390
00:23:17,245 --> 00:23:42,040

391
00:23:42,090 --> 00:23:46,640
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